Comments

This family values essay would merit a high IELTS score.

The essay is organized clearly. The introduction introduces the topic and the thesis clearly sets out the contents of the essay.

Each body paragraph has a clear central idea - the first paragraph is about the reasons and the second paragraph examines theadvantages and disadvantages. This paragraph also makes it clear that the writer believes the drawbacks outweigh the benefits.

It would also be possible to have presented a separate body paragraph, each with the advantages and disadvantages, but you would need to be careful not to write too much and possibly run out of time.

The conclusion then summarises the main points made in the essay and again clarifies the opinion.