How to Apologize

Read the text and do exercises given after it.

An apology is an expression of remorse or

guilt over having said or done something that is

acknowledged to be hurtful or damaging, and a

request for forgiveness. However, it can be difficult to swallow our pride and say "I'm sorry." First of all you should determine what went wrong. Did you say something insensitive (whether

your comment was accurate or not is irrelevant)? Did you fail to come

through on a promise? Was the offense recent or long ago? You can't apologize effectively if you don't know what you are apologizing for. If you

don't think you did anything wrong, then express regret or sadness for the

feeling that someone is experiencing as a result of what you did. Presum-38

Ing the effect was unintended, the basis of the apology often lies in not

having foreseen how your actions would affect this person, realizing that

the benefits of the action did not outweigh the unforeseen consequences,

and wanting to compensate for your oversight. However, if the other person does think you did something wrong, just apologizing for the effect,

and not acknowledging that you did something wrong, may mean the two

of you can't reach understanding.

Begin the apology by specifying your offenses and the feelings your

actions may have caused. Be detailed about the incident so that they know

exactly what you're apologizing for. Make it a point to avoid using the

words "but" or "if". ("I am sorry, but..." means "I am not sorry") Also,

do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry if you were offended." Be sorry for what you did! "I'm sorry you feel that way" makes

it seem like you are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology.

Validate their feelings or discomfort by acknowledging your transgression's (potential) effects, while taking responsibility. Use direct, declarative

statements. Look at the next few statements below. There is a huge difference between them. The first one acknowledges that you recognize you did

something wrong, and takes ownership and responsibility for that action.

The next few do not take responsibility. They don't say that you believe

you did anything wrong. They can imply you aren't even aware of what

you actually did wrong, and can seem like you're shifting blame to the other person for being easily offended:

Good: "I'm sorry I was offensive."

Bad: "I'm sorry if I was offensive."

Bad: "I'm sorry you were offended."

Bad: "I'm sorry for anything that was offensive [to you]."

Good example: "Boss, I'm sorry I'm late again, I know my shift started

10 minutes ago. I hope this doesn't complicate your day."

Good example: "Dear, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday - there's no excuse. I hope you don't feel neglected. Please, let me set this right."

Bad example: "I'm sorry I broke your vase, but I was mad and I needed to take my anger out on something." 39

Make amends. Think about what caused you to make the offense. Is

it because you're a little too laid back about being on time, or remembering

important dates? Is it because you tend to react instantly to certain comments, without pausing to consider an alternative point of view? Is it because you are unhappy with your life, and you unknowingly take it out on

others? Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person (as an explanation, not an excuse), and tell them what you intend to do to rectify that

problem so that you can avoid this mistake in the future:

"I snapped at you because I've been so stressed out with work lately,

and it's selfish of me to take it out on you. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to cut down my hours to X per week. I really think it'll help me

unwind, and help us spend more quality time together."

"I've been distant and cold because I get paranoid that you're going to

walk out on me because I don't have a job. But that's a terrible thing

to do. Look, here's a list of things I'm going to do to find a job

ASAP..."

Be patent. If an apology is not accepted, thank them for hearing you

out and leave the door open for if they wish to reconcile later. (E.g. "I understand you're still upset about it, but thanks for giving me the

chance to apologize. If you ever change your mind, please give me a

call.") Sometimes people want to forgive you, but they still need a little

time to cool off. If you are lucky enough for your apology to be accepted:

Avoid the temptation to throw in a few excuses at the end. Instead,

have a transition planned out beforehand for what you can do to solidify

the clean slate (e.g. "Let's go get some coffee and catch up. It'll be my

treat. I miss knowing what you're up to.").

Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn't mean

they've fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the