give them a good whack on the head when they are acting up, and they will run good as new.

Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad. student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at you because his FeelyWup workstation could com­pute rings around your dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. stu­dents. When they start wearing out and losing productivity, simply give them the Ph.D. and boot them out onto the street to fend for them­selves. Out of sight, out of mind!

Cheap fuel: students run on Coca-Cola (or the high-octane equiva­lent — Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy Chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket (al­though this does get them going a little faster from time to time).

Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be perform­ing too well, consider adding a handy system manager or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to require even less than a student, and typically establish permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know they are around! Note however that the engi­neering department still hasn't worked out some of the idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionally screaming at your grad. students, and post­ing ridiculous messages on worldwide bulletin boards.

So, forget your Babbage Engines, abacuses (abaci?), PortaBooks, DEK 666-3D's, and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never go back!

Exercises

I. Give synonyms to:

to upgrade, come on, choice, pinnacle, escape, built-in, to require, to yell, expletives, to abuse, to boot, to wear out, substitute, to work out, idiosyncratic, garbage, guidance.

114

II. Give antonyms to:

desperate, undergrads, powerful, proper, to consume, necessary, per­manent, in particular, occasionally, natural, on one's own.

III. Answer the questions:

What are computing facilities?

What are the advantages of computing through undergraduate stu­dents?

What is "wetware"?

What can be called "silicon garbage"?

What paths would you choose to upgrade your computer?

D. Mother should have warned you!

If you can count on one person in this life, it's your mother. Par­ticularly, you can rely on any mom anywhere to find the perils inher­ent in any situation. Indeed, no self-respecting mom ever missed an opportunity to caution her children about the dangers of everything from comic books to pool halls, to public restrooms.

Still, unless your mom was a real visionary, she probably didn't get much chance to warn you about PCs. Back when she was in peak nag­ging form, she probably hadn't even heard of the cursed things.

You may think that's just as well. We don't agree. The PC jungle is too scary to explore without knowing the answer to that comforting question, "What would mom say about this?"

So, after months of exhaustive polling of computer savvy moms around the country (there are more than you think), we've assembled the following list of ten PC perils your mom should have warned you about, if she'd only known. Take them seriously. Mom knows what she is talking about.

1. Playing too much Tetris will make you go blind. Go outside, get some

fresh air. Do you want to look like a ghost all your life?

2. Never dial into strange bulletin board systems. Who knows what kind

of riff-raff you'll find there? Just last week, 1 saw a show about the kind of trash that hangs out on these systems. "Modem bums," they're called.

3. If they're so interested in information, why don't they go to the library?

25. 8*

Don't talk on the phone and debut spreadsheet macros at the same time. It's very rude, and frankly, I don't like your language when the macro doesn't work the way you think it should.

Clean up your hard disk. God forbid you should be in an accident and someone should see how sloppy your directories are.

You don't have to rush out and buy every trendy new product. So what if all your friends are buying it and the word is it'll be the next standard? You wouldn't jump off a bridge just because every­one else did, would you?

Be sure to write your name and phone number on all your floppy disk sleeves. That way, if they ever get mixed up with someone else's, you can tell which ones are yours.

Never put a disk into your drive if you don't know where it's been. Your computer might catch a disease or something. Don't laugh, it's not funny. That's what happened to the Kelly boy, and his PC hasn't been the same since.

Sit up straight, and for heaven's sake, not so close to that monitor screen. What do you want to do, go blind and look like a pretzel?

Always keep your icons and windows neatly arranged. A cluttered desktop metaphor is the sign of a cluttered mind.

Always eat your vegetables. Okay, so it doesn't have anything to do

with computers, it's good advice anyway. And who said mothers had to be consistent?

EXERCISES

I. Find the equivalents to:

упустить возможность; присущий; фантазер; получить шанс; утомительный; "кумекающие" в компьютерах (жарг.); ослепнуть; мусор; электронная доска объявлений; очистить; наклейка на диске­те; хороший совет; в любом случае; последовательный.

II. Give synonyms to:

to caution, danger, public restrooms, to nag, peak, to curse, riff-raff, bums, debut, sloppy, trendy, cluttered, consistent.

III. Answer the questions:

1. What do all mums usually warn their children about?

What were you warned about when a child?

What advice did you take seriously?

What are the Top Ten PC Perils in your opinion?

What of them would you warn your children about?