Why are some people unassertive?

  There are various reasons why a person may be unassertive. Submissive individuals may be anxious about upsetting others, lack confidence, fear conflict, or worry that others will disapprove of them. In the work situation they may worry about losing their job if they do not go along with what others want, especially if it is someone in authority. Alternatively, it might be a way of avoiding taking responsibility and thus not being blamed if things go wrong. It can also be a way of gaining protection and being looked after by someone they perceive to be stronger than they are. Unassertive people often feel guilty if they refuse a request, do not realize that they have rights too and have irrational negative thoughts about themselves. They may also confuse assertiveness with aggression and equate non-assertiveness with politeness. Alternatively, they may confuse being manipulative with being assertive and attempt to get what they want out of situations by indirect or underhanded means. Similarly, aggressive individuals may confuse assertiveness with submissiveness or weakness.

What are the consequences of being unassertive?

  In the short term, being submissive may lead to a temporary reduction in anxiety due to the sense of relief the individual experiences from having avoided a potential conflict, or escaped from a situation which would have made them feel guilty. The experience of reduced anxiety can serve to reinforce the unassertive behaviour. Similarly, the aggressive individual may temporarily rejoice in hollow victories, but subsequently suffer the disapproval and condemnation of others around them. However, in the longer term, unassertive behaviour can lead to further erosion of what is already a fragile or low self-esteem in the individual concerned. It can lead to strong negative emotional reactions such as feelings of irritability, anger, guilt, frustration, resentment or self-pity. It can also lead to physical symptoms associated with chronic tension such as muscular aches and pains, neck ache, backache and headaches.

Being unassertive can also have negative effects on others, who at first may feel sorry for the unassertive individual but ultimately it can lead to a lack of respect for them, because they do not know what that person stands for. They may begin to doubt that person’s integrity, believing they say one thing and go away and do another. They may become irritated that the unassertive individual is not open about their needs and does not say what they really want. With respect to aggressive individuals they may feel resentment and a desire to get even with them. In addition, unassertive individuals can have detrimental effects on the workplace organization because they do not handle conflicts satisfactorily. They may tend to avoid making difficult decisions and this creates problems because things are simply left to get worse, or they behave in an overly forceful and domineering way which exacerbates conflict situations. If the unassertive person happens to be in a managerial position, those they manage can start to lose respect for them.

Two case studies will illustrate the differences between being unassertive and assertive. The first case study is of Caroline, who works as a staff nurse on a busy neurosurgical unit in a National Health Service hospital in the North of England. She dislikes conflict and tends to go out of her way for approval from others. She likes to think of herself as being helpful and finds it difficult to say no to people, in case she hurts or offends them. This has led to Caroline getting into difficult situations on numerous occasions. The second case study is of Rosie, who is a confident individual and is able to assert herself effectively. Rosie works as a secretary providing temporary cover when required for companies that are short staffed. This requires her to work in a range of different work environments for short periods of time. Rosie does not find it difficult to say no or deal with confrontation and she is prepared to stand up for her rights when required to do so.