Developing assertive behaviours

  Assertive behaviours include both non-verbal and verbal aspects. The non-verbal communication of assertive individuals involves maintaining good eye contact but not staring at others, making open gestures and movements, adopting a relaxed posture, respecting the personal space of others and displaying sincere and non-threatening facial expressions. Verbally the assertive individual communicates in a firm and steady tone of voice, which sounds warm and sincere. They make clear statements which are concise and to the point. They give constructive advice and criticism and suggestions rather than blaming others unfairly, or attempting to put them down in any way.

If you are an unassertive individual, you need to practise behaving in a more assertive way towards others. In the first instance this might involve rehearsing in your imagination how you would deal with a range of situations that you currently find difficult. Role-playing scenarios with others can also be a particularly helpful way of practising assertive behaviours. The individual may make a hierarchy of behaviours which they wish to change and start off by practising small changes, such as making a request, refusing a request, disagreeing with someone, giving an opinion, giving praise, receiving praise and so on. Once you feel sufficiently confident through rehearsal and role-play to practise these skills in a real life situation, you can start to engage in what are called ‘behavioural experiments’.

A behavioural experiment involves practising a new way of behaving and observing the outcome of behaving differently. For example, it might involve practising any one of the non-verbal aspects of behaviour mentioned above, such as maintaining good eye contact, adopting open gestures and movements, or developing a more relaxed posture. Alternatively, it could involve practising your verbal skills by adopting a different tone of voice or sounding warmer and more sincere. Through observing the outcomes of these behavioural experiments, the individual begins to disconfirm their negative assumptions and builds up valuable evidence to support the positive effects of their new more assertive behaviours. As the individual gains confidence they gradually move up through a hierarchy of increasingly more difficult scenarios.

Other useful assertiveness techniques to help you

  In addition to developing the assertive attitudes and behaviours discussed above, there are a number of other practical tools and techniques that you can add to your assertiveness tool kit. These are outlined below.

Use the ‘broken record’ technique

  The broken record technique allows you to stay focused on your request or statement without falling prey to manipulative comments, irrelevant logic or argumentative baiting from others, who may be trying to cloud the issue, or create a smokescreen to throw you off course. It involves calm repetition of a statement or a request over and over again. In the second case study in this chapter, Rosie used the broken record technique to respond to her boss’s repeated request for her to go to lunch with him. She repeatedly said ‘No’ and was not thrown off course or sidetracked by any of his comments or behaviours. Parents often use this technique when telling their children that it is bedtime. The child may protest vehemently and come up with numerous reasons why they cannot possibly go to bed right now (clouding the issue) or they may throw a tantrum in the hope that the original request may be forgotten (creating a smokescreen). However, it is not only children who behave in this way and once you start to become more assertive, you will become more aware of just how many adults try to manipulate you in this way.