Manipulative behaviour

  Figure 6.4 illustrates a manipulative interaction. Manipulative individuals make others believe that they are getting treated fairly when in reality they are not. They are good at persuading others that they are being truthful when they are not being totally straight and honest with them. They are able to con them into doing things by being two faced and appearing to support them when really they are putting them down. They say one thing to the person’s face but another behind their back. Manipulative people often confuse their behaviour with being assertive. They behave ‘as if’ they are being assertive but in reality their motives are more aligned to those of the aggressive individual. For example, they may smile and adopt the verbal and non-verbal behaviours of an assertive person but are dismissive of the rights of others. This creates a win-lose situation, in which the manipulative person is the winner in the short term. However, it does not usually take very long before other people become wise to a manipulative person’s unacceptable behaviour and begin to mistrust them and their motives, and they begin to get a reputation for such behaviour.

Assertive behaviour

  Figure 6.5 illustrates an assertive interaction. Being assertive is knowing your rights, asking for what you want clearly, gently and firmly, standing up for yourself, making your own decisions and allowing others to make theirs, listening to what others have to say without necessarily going along with them, respecting yourself and recognizing that you also have a responsibility to be respectful towards others. This creates a win-win situation, in which both parties in the interaction are winners. This is of course the best outcome for all concerned.

Knowing your rights

  Most employers recognize that employees have a number of rights in the workplace and these are usually written into their contracts of employment, such as annual leave entitlement, terms of employment, sickness pay, study leave entitlement and maternity or paternity leave. Most of these are statutory rights covered by government legislation. At work these rights may extend to non-statutory rights such as the right to a job appraisal, time off in lieu, in-service training and continuing professional development without loss of pay. Also, this extends to having a right to know what is expected, to be consulted about decisions made affecting you, to refuse certain requests, to make mistakes occasionally without fear of being sacked and so on. Employers have rights also. They have the right to expect that their employees turn up to work on time, adhere to a certain dress code, use their time productively, put any mistakes they make right, learn from their mistakes and try not to repeat them. They also have a right to expect that employees abide by the terms and conditions of their employment. It can be seen therefore that employers and employees have both rights and responsibilities towards each other.

However, we also all have rights and responsibilities towards each other as human beings, which are deemed necessary to live a decent life. In order to behave assertively, one needs to have a good understanding of what these rights are and also what responsibilities they have in terms of respecting the rights of others. Unassertive people either do not know what their basic rights are, or if they do, they feel unable to ask for them to be met. Assertiveness training thus focuses on the rights of the individual as a human being since it is in these areas that unassertive individuals typically experience the most problems. The aim is to learn what their rights are and how to ensure that they get them met. Aggressive and manipulative people are dismissive of the rights of others, so the task for them is to learn that they have a responsibility to respect others’ rights and the right of others to be assertive.