How can you become more assertive?

  Assertiveness skills can be learned through training in four main areas. The first of these is education, which involves learning to recognize the differences between aggressive, submissive, manipulative and assertive behaviours. The second area is about knowing your rights. The third and fourth areas are developing assertive attitudes and developing assertive behaviours, which you can then put into practice.

Education

  Education involves learning to recognize the differences between aggressive, submissive, manipulative and assertive behaviours in their verbal and non-verbal expressions. The distinctions between these behaviours are illustrated in Figures 6.2, 6.3, 6.4 and 6.5.

Figure 6.2 An aggressive interaction (drawings reproduced with the permission of Peter Binns)

 

  Figure 6.3 A submissive interaction (drawings reproduced with the permission of Peter Binns)

 

  Figure 6.4 A manipulative interaction (drawings reproduced with the permission of Peter Binns)

 

  Figure 6.5 An assertive interaction (drawings reproduced with the permission of Peter Binns)

 

Aggressive behaviour

  Figure 6.2 sums up an aggressive interaction. Aggressive behaviours include being pushy, trying to force people into things, attacking, intimidating, blaming, putting others down, humiliating, not listening, deciding for others and ordering people around inappropriately. Non-verbally the aggressive person communicates through facial expressions such as raised eyebrows, a firmly set jaw, scowling, a fixed eye gaze to try to stare you out and gestures such as finger pointing, fist thumping and adopting an upright posture to make themselves appear taller. The aggressive individual is also likely to invade your personal space by standing too close in an attempt to intimidate you. Verbally they may speak in an abrupt way with a raised voice and in a hard and sharp tone. They make extensive use of verbal statements which are either boastful and sarcastic, or contain putdowns and threats, and emphasize blaming words. They are dismissive of the rights of others and in terms of the power dynamic they try to put others in an inferior position to themselves. This creates a win-lose situation in which the unassertive person is the loser.

Submissive behaviour

  Figure 6.3 illustrates a submissive interaction. Submissiveness is about always putting the needs of others before your own. It involves not feeling able to express your needs or say what you want, going along with things to avoid conflict, to gain the approval of others, or to avoid rejection. In the short term agreeing to things that you do not really want to do and letting others make decisions for you can reduce anxiety, but in the longer term it can result in the build-up of frustration and resentment. The submissive individual does not complain to another person’s face but may complain to others behind the scenes about the way they are being treated. Submissive behaviours include avoiding eye contact with others, nervous and hesitant movements, hunched posture and adopting a false looking smile. Verbally a submissive individual speaks in a quiet, uncertain, shaking monotonous voice filled with hesitancy, pauses and frequent throat clearing. The content of the speech includes long and rambling statements in which they take ages to get to the point, repeated permission seeking, self put-downs and excessive apologies. In terms of the power dynamic, submissive people allow themselves to be manoeuvred into a powerless position by more dominant and forceful individuals. This creates a lose-win situation, in which the submissive person is always the loser.