Concreteness

  When we listen critically to a story that someone is telling us, the description can sometimes appear to be rather vague. Concreteness means getting the other person to communicate as specifically and clearly as possible to you. In turn you should also attempt to be as concrete in your responses to others. Concreteness is a compound skill which also includes making use of the other skills already mentioned, such as listening, encouraging, asking open questions, paraphrasing and reflecting feelings. All of these things can add up to a more concrete conversation. Concreteness involves interpreting long, vague accounts with clarifying questions, or splitting up a complex sequence of events into manageable chunks. It involves the use of concrete open questions such as ‘What happened exactly?’, ‘What did she say?’, ‘How did you react to that?’, ‘What went wrong?’ or ‘Can you give me an example?’ in order to elicit the information that you require to make sense of a communication. The following is an example of a dialogue between an employee and their line manager which illustrates the combination of a range of listening skills used in concreteness.

EmployeeNothing seems to be going right for me in my work, at home, or with friends – I’m ready to throw in the towel. Line managerA number of different things appear to be going wrong for you at the present time. (paraphrase) Shall we talk about each of those things one by one? (immediacy) What would you like to discuss first? (open question) Appropriate self-disclosure

  Talking about yourself too much and too soon can be a major turn-off for the other person. Appropriate self-disclosure is about knowing when and how much to talk about yourself. For example, if a complete stranger sitting next to you on the bus started without invitation to tell you their whole life history and intimate details about their sex life, it is likely that this would make you feel highly uncomfortable. However, if your best friend confided in you some personal details about their sex life, you would probably consider this to be acceptable. What is appropriate to disclose is dependent on how well and intimately you know the person you are talking to. The skill with self-disclosure is to have an awareness of what level is appropriate to any given situation. Getting this right can enhance a relationship whereas getting it wrong can do considerable damage to it.

The use of small talk

  There are different levels of conversation. At the most superficial level the content of the conversation may be about trivial and inconsequential issues such as, for example, the weather or the price of apples. These superficial topics are often used to break the ice and then lead to the next level of conversation which is a little more in-depth and personal. Conversation at this intermediate level may, for example, include asking someone about the job that they do or where they live and so on. Once we have got to know someone better at the intermediate level, we tend to then move on to deeper and more meaningful topics which are more personal in nature. It is important when first meeting a person that we do not judge or dismiss them as being superficial on the basis of our first conversation with them. While some people feel comfortable skipping the first two stages and talking at a personal level from the outset, others do not and it is important to respect this. A superficial conversation about the price of apples may in reality be that person’s way of saying that ‘I would like to get to know you better’ and it is often worthwhile going through this initial stage on the way to getting to know someone who ultimately could become a lifelong friend!

In conclusion, effective communication requires being competent in a range of non-verbal and verbal skills. Non-verbally an individual needs to be able to recognize non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, body posture, movement and facial expressions such as nods, frowns and laughter. It also involves knowing what constitutes appropriate physical contact. The rules of contact vary in different socio-cultural contexts and with the closeness of the relationship. The closeness of appropriate contact thus varies and the individual needs to be aware of these rules. For example, in the work setting placing an arm on the shoulder of a distressed work colleague may be appropriate in that context but may not be so in the context of a meeting with a non-distressed work colleague. Individuals also communicate non-verbally through aspects of appearance such as the way an individual dresses. Effective verbal communication involves skills such as the ability for not monopolizing conversations, showing interest, having an ability to listen and being able to recognize the signals which tell us we are boring people. Verbally skilled individuals display effective listening skills and attending behaviours such as communicating warmth and empathy, talking in a soft voice, adopting a non-judgemental attitude, good eye contact, use of friendly facial expressions and adopting an interested posture by leaning forward with arms uncrossed. It also includes the use of listening skills such as summarizing, paraphrasing and reflecting back, which all demonstrate attending and listening. It is important to identify the style of communicating that you feel most comfortable with. For example, some more extravert and outward going people like being in the spotlight and displaying a more gregarious and loud persona, whereas others who are more introverted and quieter prefer to present themselves in a less outward going manner. There is no right and wrong in this respect but the important thing is that you come across as warm, genuine and sincere in your interactions with others. It also involves being sensitive and aware of others people’s styles and preferences and respecting these.