Text a р. I. Тсhаiкоvsку about himself

I grew up in the heart of Russia and from my earliest years loved the incomparable beauties of Russian folk music.

I began composing as soon as I knew music.

At the age of ten I was taken to St. Petersburg to the Imperial School of Jurisprudence. I spent nine years there without studying music seriously although at the end of that period my father engaged Mr. Rudolf Kundinger, an excellent pianist. To that outstanding artist I owe the realisation that music is my true vocation.

I have entered the newly opened Conservatoire... Last year I spent much time on the theory of music and have come to the conclusion that sooner or later I shall give up civil service and take up music. Do not think that I aim at becoming a great artist – I just wish to do what I believe to be my vocation (1862).

The only thing I am sure of is that I shall be a good musician. All of the Conservatoire Professors have a good opinion of me and say that if I perservere I shall attain much (1863).

It is necessary to experience a series of failures to attain the peak of possible perfection, and I am not in the least ashamed of my operatic flops. They have given a useful lesson and valuable ideas.

Tolstoy burst into tears after I had played the Andante from my First Quartet at his request (1871).

“The Snow Maiden” ... is written at the request of the Thearte Directorate and of Ostrovsky himself ... I think in this music one would feel the springtime joyous mood in which I was while composing it (1873).

I went to see Lavrovskaya (an opera singer) last week. We touched upon the problem of subjects for an opera... She listened to me with a kind smile. Then she said, “Why don't you take up “Eugene Onegin?” The idea struck me as quite wild and I said nothing. Then... I recalled the conversation, mused on Eugene Onegin, gradually Lavrovskaya's idea began to appeal to me and... I took a decision (1877).

I think an artist should not mind if his contemporaries do not appreciate him as much as he would like. He must work and express in his art all he is meant to express. He must know that history alone pronounces the true and just verdict... (1878).

I am on the eve of my 44th birthday. I've lived many years and done so little... I'm still searching, doubting and vacillating (1884).

Conducting comes to me with a certain effort and demands much exertion of my nervous system. But I must say I get considerable satisfaction from it (1887).

I am faced with an endless procession of various works, projected and promised, so that I dread looking into the future. How short our life is! Now I seem to have reached the peak of perfection I am capable of. I throw a glance back seeing how many years have been lived through, think of the rest of my road and ask myself. Shall I have the time? Is it worth it?.. The important thing is... that I can compose so as to have no doubts of my abilities, to believe in my powers and skill (1887).

Tomorrow I leave for Hamburg where an entire concert will feature my works. On February the 8th an extraordinary gala concert ... will be held in Berlin. I'll have to deal with excellent orchestras in both cities. Then there will be Prague, Paris, London. All this flatters me as a composer but it does not prevent me from indescribable, cruel and devastating homesickness. There are moments when I would like to leave everything and go back to dear Russia's wide spaces (1888).

Making my music known to Western Europe is, naturally, gratifying to my ambition as a composer, but how much it costs me! However, there is nothing to be done and I shall carry my cross which I have taken upon myself on my own free will to the end (1888).

It seems to me that the music of this ballet (“The Sleeping Beauty”) will prove one of my best efforts. Its subject-matter is so poetic, so grateful to music that I worked on it with real dedication, with ardour and will... (1889).

Either I am terribly, unforgivably mistaken or “The Queen of Spades” will really be my best work. In certain passages... I felt such anxiety, terror and trepidation that listeners cannot help sharing some of these emotions (1890).

New York, the American customs, hospitality... and the unusually comfortable accommodations – all this pleases me immensely... I am being honoured... I've discovered that I am ten times more popular in America than in Europe (1891).

Inspiration is a rare guest who doesn't visit idlers. Inspiration comes to those who know how to invoke it (1893).

I positively regard this symphony (The Sixth Symphony) as my best and, especially, my sincerest work. I love it more than any other of my brain children (1893).

I wish with all my heart that my music should spread and more and more people should love it finding succour and consolation in it.