Text 49: Robbers

1. Mr. Wazir Jiwi was the only clerk in a late night shop in Houston, Texas, when he found himself looking at two pistols. "You don't need two," he told the bandit. "Why don't you sell me one of them?" The gunman named his price at $100; Jiwi handed over the cash and was given the gun. As he placed it under the counter, he pushed the button that locked the shop door. They then agreed on the price for the other gun. The outlaw grabbed the second bundle of cash, put his other pistol on the counter, and tried to leave. When he found he could not get out, Jiwi told him to bring the money back and he would let him go. And he did let him go, presumably guessing that anyone that stupid would get arrested soon enough anyway.

2. An armed man in Groiningen, northern Holland, handed a shopkeeper a note demanding money. The man behind the counter took one look and then wrote his own terse reply: "Bug off" (or the nearest Dutch equivalent). And the gunman did, too, fleeing empty-handed.

3. When John Gregory came to trial, the tale that came out was one of high farce rather than high drama. Gregory and an accomplice had attempted to rob a video-shop in Feltham, England, but unfortunately they were so dense, they thought the shop's type­ writer was the cash register and ordered the manager, at gunpoint, to 'open it up'. Even after they'd spotted their mistake, they still managed to grab only five pounds before their shotgun went off accidentally, which scared them so much they fled, dropping the cash in the shop's doorway. The net return for the robbery was no money and 4 years' youth custody.

4. A robber armed with a sausage raided a shop in Graz, Austria, and escaped with 1,600 shillings. Storekeeper Rudy Buckmeister was hit over the head with the ten-pound sausage. "It felt like a baseball bat," he said.

5. Clive Bunyan burst into a store near Scarborough, England, brandishing a toy revolver and wearing a crash helmet and a mask. He got the shop clerk to hand over 250 pounds and fled outside to his motorcycle. However, he'd forgotten that written on his helmet in inch-high letters was "CLIVE BUNYAN — DRIVER". He was sentenced to 200 hours of community service.

Text 50: Burglars

1. Having broken into a Hong Kong garment factory and found nothing worth stealing, burglar Yu Kin-Fong left a note saying: "Put some money here next time or I'll set fire to your factory. You make me do this for nothing. I can't even find 10 cents." He was tracked down and sentenced to 3 years.

2. Gloria Smile opened the door to find the reformed burglar in his twenties standing on her doorstep. Returning to the scene of his crimes in Westcliff, England, the young man said he had found God, apologized to her and handed her a shopping bag containing a silver-coffeepot, creamer, and sugar bowl Unfortunately' he'd gone to the wrong house; Ms. Smile hadn't been his victim.

3. Two burglars raiding the Browns family home in Coventry, England got a little help from four-year-old Russell Brown. He got up to investigate when he heard a noise at 3 a.m, but the strangers he found in the darkened living room whispered that they were friends of his mommy and daddy who had come to borrow the stereo, VCR, and TV, but didn't want to disturb them because it was so late. Russell was delighted to help, and held the back door open for his visitors as they left with their haul, before going back upstairs to bed. The men were later arrested and the property recovered.

4. Two 78-year-old burglars were caught red-handed in a house in San Paolo, Brazil, when the occupants of the house returned unexpectedly. The one inside was too deaf to hear the warning of his accomplice outside, and the lookout man was not fit enough to escape.

5. Three burglars who broke into a cottage found nothing inside, literally. It was a front, held up by scaffolding and used by BBC for filming a drama at Ewenny, Wales.